Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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