just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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