Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
