Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
