Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
