Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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