if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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