I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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