omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
