Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
