When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
