my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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