The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she woke up with a sticky ear
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
