I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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