The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
