I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
