Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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