i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
