You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
