Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
