Your dad touched me again.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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