By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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