Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
