He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
