Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
