I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
