planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
