i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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