I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
