you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
