end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
