Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
