to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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