"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
