I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
