You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
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I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
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Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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