I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
