Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
