I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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