I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
