im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
