Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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