We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
