i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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