My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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