i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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