I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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