She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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