I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Do vagina's smell?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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