i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
