somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
