Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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