I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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