Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
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Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many