I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.